Wickedly Ever After: A Baba Yaga Novella Read online

  The court was always a little bit much for Barbara’s taste—too many bright colors, too many strong perfumes, too much gossip and intrigue. But what else could you expect from a kingdom where many of the denizens lived for centuries and had nothing better to do than play croquet or attend high tea? Smaller paranormal creatures, less beautiful than the ruling class, scurried here and there carrying trays or fetching ornate filigreed fans. She stopped one of them, a sweet-faced brownie woman wearing a cotton muslin dress with an apron crafted from a giant leaf, and asked where the Queen and her consort were.

  The brownie, recognizing her, curtsied and pointed down the slope that led to the lake at the far side of the castle. “Their Highnesses are having a picnic by the water, Baba Yaga. Lots of dainty sandwiches I brought them.”

  A picnic was good, Barbara thought. Feeding visitors was part of the ritual courtesy of the Otherworld, and hopefully being by the serene waters of the lake would put the Queen in a relaxed mood. She nodded her thanks to the tiny servant and led her group down a path, edged by ever taller and more glittering roses, until they arrived at their destination.

  The Queen, as fantastically beautiful as ever, sat upright in a throne-like chair by the edge of the water, her consort the King in a matching chair by her side. The rest of the courtiers attending the picnic, about two dozen in all, either sat in smaller chairs or sprawled in luxurious comfort upon tapestry blankets or silken pillows strewn around the pristine white sands of the lakeshore. Silver trays and small ornate tables held crystal goblets, multitudes of delicate finger foods much too elegant for any mortal picnic, and plates of airy, brightly hued confectionary.

  Tittering laughter and murmuring voices intertwined with the sweet song of birds (and some things that weren’t quite birds) and over that soared ethereal music being played by a trio of fauns playing their flutes under a nearby weeping willow tree.

  The Queen looked up at their approach and gave them a benign smile. “Baba Yaga, what an unexpected pleasure. And with such an entourage.” She gestured at the assembled company. “We are having a light afternoon repast. You must join Us.” She narrowed her eyes, staring at the dragon. “Dear Chudo-Yudo, you are as resplendent as always, but I do believe you are crushing one of my ladies-in-waiting under your right wing. Assume a more reasonable size for the occasion, please.”

  The dragon shimmered slightly and shrank down to the mass of a large car instead of a small house, bowing slightly as he did so, and apologizing to the slightly crumpled but still graceful woman who emerged from under his wing.

  “Why didn’t he just do that in the first place?” Liam whispered to Barbara.

  “Because he’s a big showoff,” she whispered back.

  “I heard that,” Chudo-Yudo said, his dragon grin almost as wide and toothy as his doggy one.

  Barbara ignored him and approached the royal couple, bowing politely. The Baba Yagas weren’t members of the Queen’s court, but they did work for her in a way, so it was always a good idea to follow her rules for proper behavior.

  The Queen was so beautiful, it almost hurt to look at her. Long silver-white hair was bound up in jewels on the top of her head and surrounded by a delicate gold crown decorated with diamonds and amethysts, which matched the Queen’s striking purple eyes. Today she was wearing flowing silks in the palest lavender, in a style that accented her slender form with its perfect posture.

  Next to her, her consort wore a more somber dove-gray tunic and black tights that matched his neatly trimmed beard and long sleek hair. His crown was silver with black diamonds. As always, his smile was a few degrees warmer than that of his Queen; Barbara had been one of his favorites since she’d started coming to court as a small child.

  “Your Majesties, it is good to see you looking so well,” Barbara said. “You remember Liam and little Babs, I’m sure.” Since the denizens of the Otherworld never forgot anything, it was a safe bet.

  “Ah yes, the girl you took as your apprentice,” the Queen said, brushing over the incidents that led to that decision, including traitorous acts by a member of her court. She beckoned Babs closer and peered down at the dark-haired child with interest.

  “How do your studies go with Our Baba Yaga?” the Queen asked. “Are you working hard and learning much?”

  Babs glanced back at Barbara over one narrow shoulder and Barbara gave her a miniscule nod. They’d been practicing for this moment.

  The girl stepped forward, her face as solemn as always, and bowed low to the Queen and her consort. Then she closed her eyes in concentration and held her hands out in front of her chest. There was a slight wavering of the air and then one perfect white rose appeared across her palms. Bowing again, she held it out to the Queen.

  “Delightful!” the Queen said, clapping her hands together and then reaching out to accept the simple gift. “We are pleased indeed.”

  She tapped one finger against her ruby lips as she looked at Liam. “And this is your mate, yes? The Human who helped you deal with Our unfortunate problem not so long ago? I take it you are still together.”

  “We are, Your Majesty,” Barbara said. “In fact, he is part of the reason we are here today, along with the need to get a further supply of the Water of Life and Death that you provide so generously to those who serve you.”

  “Is he?” the Queen asked. Her consort sat up straighter, looking interested. “Do explain.”

  Barbara took Liam’s hand and they stepped forward together, little Babs returning to stand by Chudo-Yudo’s side. “I have come to formally present Liam McClellan to the court and to ask for your blessing on our marriage, so that he might be allowed to occasionally taste of the Water as well, to extend his life so we might grow old together.” She held her breath and felt Liam’s hand tighten around hers.

  “This is quite unusual,” the King said.

  “But not without precedent, Your Highness. True, most Baba Yagas live solitary lives or take lovers from among the paranormal community, but there have been those in the past who have fallen in love with Humans. Some of them have been allowed this boon.”

  The King stroked his dark beard. “Indeed, that is so.” He turned to his consort. “What do you think, dearest? After all, Barbara has served us well for many years. It seems a simple enough request.”

  Barbara’s heart thumped in her chest as she waited for the Queen to answer—once, twice, three times.

  “No,” said the Queen. “Have you tried the crumpets, they are quite delicious today.”

  Barbara could feel the blood drain out of her face as Liam said, “Did she just say ‘no’?” and a tiny gout of fire slid out of Chudo-Yudo’s nostrils.

  Even the King looked a bit surprised.

  “Excuse me, darling, but it seems to me—”

  The Queen raised one pale and imperious hand. “I said no. There has been too much upheaval of late. Courtiers sneaking around behind my back, a Rusalka kidnapping Human children and bringing them into my kingdom against all the rules. The Riders going missing. Even a Baba Yaga who, instead of taking her retirement with dignity, actually attempted to harm her replacement. It is simply too upsetting. We do not enjoy change.” She shook her head. “No, ask again in a hundred years or so, Baba Yaga, and then we shall see.”

  “Liam will be dead in a hundred years,” Barbara said through gritted teeth.

  “Ah well,” the Queen said, gesturing for a servant to bring over a plate of tiny green sandwiches. “I suppose that will solve the problem.”

  Barbara almost checked to see if there was actual steam coming out her ears. After all, it was the Otherworld, so anything was possible. Except, apparently, being able to live out her life with the man she loved. Without the Water of Life and Death to extend his life as it did hers, she would be faced with the terrible choice of either staying with him and watching him grow old and die or giving him up forever.

  �
��Your Majesty, is this truly so much to ask, after all my years of service to you and your kingdom?”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t push it,” Liam said in a low voice. “Didn’t you tell me that she once turned someone into a swan?”

  “It was a number of someones,” the Queen said in a clear, haughty tone. “And they were not foolish enough to question my decisions. I suggest you let this matter drop, Baba Yaga. I grow tired of this discussion. Let us speak of something more amusing.”

  Barbara felt lightheaded, almost dizzy with what she was about to say. But she said it anyway. “As you wish, Your Majesty. In that case, I am afraid I must resign my position as Baba Yaga. If I am forced to choose between the work I was destined to do and the man I was destined to love, I choose the man.”

  All around them there were gasps and whispers and she could see Liam out of the corner of her eye, standing with his mouth open in amazement. His grip on her hand grew tighter, but he knew better than to interrupt.

  The Queen stood up, tossing her gold plate onto the grass so that it rolled into the lake with a splash that echoed loudly in the sudden silence. Her beautiful face was as glacial as if it had been carved out of ice.

  “No Baba Yaga has ever abdicated her position,” she said. “It simply is not done.”

  “But it isn’t against the rules, is it?” Barbara asked.

  “It is not,” said the King, gazing thoughtfully from Barbara to his wife. “Surely there is some room for compromise. We should not like to lose Our most loyal and experienced Baba Yaga, and not everyone is fortunate enough to enjoy Our naturally long lives. Even with the aid of the Water of Life and Death, their time together is so short compared to Ours. Will you not reconsider, my darling?”

  He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips, laying a kiss on her palm in a show of tenderness as heartfelt as it was rare. “A true companion is an uncommon and wonderful thing, don’t you agree, beloved?”

  The Queen’s eyes narrowed and several ladies-in-waiting stepped back so fast they ended up standing ankle-deep in the water, the silk of their dresses trailing in the mud.

  “Very well,” she said in a suspiciously reasonable voice. Barbara winced. She didn’t know what was coming, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t going to make anyone happy. Least of all her.

  “What are you thinking, dearest?” the King asked. Even he looked a bit concerned, an unaccustomed wrinkle appearing on his smooth forehead underneath the ebony sweep of his hair.

  “You suggested a compromise,” the Queen said. “I have come up with one. Since the Baba Yaga is so certain that having this Human in her life will be good thing, We will allow them to prove to Us that he is an asset and not simply a distraction; that she will still be as capable a Baba Yaga as before. You imply that their love is as deep as Ours; we shall see if they work together as well as We have done all these centuries.”

  “Um, and how would we prove that, exactly, Your Majesty?” Barbara asked.

  The Queen smiled. “Why, I shall take a page out of your stories, Baba Yaga, and give you and your man three impossible tasks to do. If you can achieve them, We will grant your request. If you do not”—her voice dropped ominously—“if you fail, then you will continue in your role as Baba Yaga and there will be no more talk of marriage or sharing the Water of Life and Death. Ever.”

  Barbara swallowed hard. She was used to being the one who demanded that others fulfill three impossible tasks and she didn’t much like being on the other side of the equation. Especially since when she did it, she always made sure that what she asked for wasn’t quite as impossible as it sounded. It was never meant to be unattainable, merely difficult enough to prove the seeker’s dedication and strength of character. Barbara didn’t have much faith that the Queen would be so considerate. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as if she had any choice.

  Head high, Barbara nodded. “I agree to your terms, Your Majesty.”

  The court murmured. This was all very entertaining for them, since they weren’t the ones whose lives were on the line. Not for the first time, Barbara wished that the Otherworld could just get cable TV. It would probably prevent a lot of trouble.

  “Excellent,” the Queen said, sounding pleased with herself. If anything, the King’s frown deepened.

  “May I ask what the tasks are to be, Your Majesty?” Barbara said. She was impressed with the calm tone of her voice, since inside she was shaking like a leaf. But it didn’t do to show weakness in front of predators. Even the ones who usually liked you.

  “Nothing beyond your abilities,” the Queen said. “Especially now that you have such stalwart assistance.” She tapped one finger against her lips. “We require that you do these three things: catch the song of the ocean in a bottle.” She thought some more. “Bring me the living representative of a dead species.” There was a pause as she gazed around as if looking for inspiration, and the tiniest hint of a smile flitted across her face. “And find me a Human whose heart is so pure that he or she has never spoken a lie.”

  Barbara and Liam glanced at each other.

  “Piece of cake,” he said with a straight face.

  “Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” Barbara said back. He’d taught her that one.

  “I am pleased that you are so confident,” said the Queen. “You have a fortnight, as time is measured in the mundane world. At the end of the two weeks, you will return to Us having accomplished these tasks or to tell Us you have failed.”

  “Oh, and one more thing.” She held out one hand imperiously toward Chudo-Yudo. “You may leave the flask containing what remains of your portion of the Water of Life and Death. We would not wish there to be any cheating, should you be unsuccessful.”

  Chudo-Yudo let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl, despite the fact that he was in dragon form, and Liam took a step forward.

  “I do not cheat,” he said firmly.

  The Queen raised one eyebrow at his lack of formal courtesy but finally nodded her head in reluctant admiration. “No,” she said. “I do not suppose you do.” She waved him back and made a shooing motion at the entire group. “Well, you had best be on your way. You have much to do and little time to do it.”

  “Good luck, Baba Yaga,” the King said.

  “We’re going to need it,” Barbara said under her breath. As they walked away, she could hear the wagering begin.

  ***

  “That didn’t go as well as we’d hoped,” Chudo-Yudo said as they followed the path that led back to the doorway between the worlds. He’d resumed his pit bull shape as soon as they’d left the court, since that made it easier for him to walk and talk with the others.

  “Hey, at least she didn’t turn us into anything,” Liam said, trying to sound cheerful. He was the one who always tried to look on the bright side, whereas Barbara was more likely to just stick a sword in whatever side was left. “And really, it can’t make that much of a difference, can it? So you age a little more slowly than I do. It’s not the end of the world, right?”

  Chudo-Yudo snorted tiny flames. “You never told him how old you really are, did you, Baba?”

  Barbara could feel the heat in her cheeks. “Um, it never came up, exactly.”

  The dragon-dog snorted again, this time narrowly missing setting a bright blue willow tree on fire. Only its flexible nature allowed it to bend its branches out of the way in time and they could hear it grumbling at them for some time afterward.

  “How old do you think she is?” he asked Liam.

  Liam shrugged. “Well, she always said that she was older than she looked, and she looks like she is in her late twenties or maybe early thirties. So I figured she was in her late thirties, or something like that.”

  Barbara winced. “Actually, I’m eighty-two.”

  “Eighty-two,” Liam repeated flatly. “You’re eighty-two.”

  “You always said yo
u didn’t care how old I was. That age was just a number.”

  “Eighty-two is one hell of a number,” Liam said, shaking his head. “And I still don’t care, except that obviously it does matter if we manage to accomplish the three impossible tasks, which all sounded pretty impossible to me.”

  “Barbara?” a small tenor voice piped up from Liam’s side. As usual, Babs had been quiet and soaking up everything going on around her. “If he does not get the magical Water, how old will Liam be when I am eighty-two?”

  Liam and Barbara exchanged glances and Barbara swallowed past the lump in her throat. “It doesn’t matter, sweetheart. We’re going to succeed. Do you know why?”

  Babs tilted her head to one side like a little bird, a gesture she often made when trying to remember one of her lessons, and one that never failed to melt Barbara’s heart. Ironic, since before meeting Liam and Babs, she would have sworn she didn’t have one.

  “Because we are Baba Yagas, and Baba Yagas are tough, smart, and resourceful?” Babs said.

  “That’s right,” Barbara said with a grin. “And what else?”

  “And we kick ass,” the girl added.

  “Barbara!” Liam said.

  “What? We do.” Barbara didn’t believe in sugarcoating things for Babs just because she was young. And then she added in a grimmer tone, “We’re going to have to, this time.”

  ***

  Once back at the house they sat down over milk and cookies for a counsel of war. Or at the very least, a counsel of “What the heck do we do now?”

  “How on earth can we possibly catch the song of the ocean in a bottle?” Liam asked glumly. “I mean, does the ocean even have a song? And if it does, how would you catch it?”

  “Hmmm . . .” Barbara said, biting the head off a gingerbread man.

  “What does ‘hmmm’ mean?” Liam asked.

  “It means she has a plan,” Chudo-Yudo suggested. “Or, you know, something plan-adjacent.”

  “Do you have a plan?” Babs asked, nibbling a little more delicately on a gingerbread foot.